Rebirth Issue #2: Failing fighting writer's block...

As a writer, having writers block seems as terminal as cancer...I'm not fucking bullshitting...I've got 500,000,000,000 thoughts in my head and I'm at a loss for how to express them and how to choose which thoughts to express...It feels like I've never written a thing in my cot-damn life...And so I force myself to push out something; anything...And the below is what I come up with...A piece of shit, but it's something...I'm off to the country for a little while to hopefully get my head together because I think the city is only adding to the confusion...Wish me luck...

Turn off the stereo when you look into his eyes
Volume too loud to concentrate on two symphonies
The music in the ocean-blue of his sight is bursting my eardrums
Until I can hear only one tone
And as I raise my hand in protest of this irreconcilable difference
He purses his lips and mouths
“Doesn’t everyone deserve to be happy?”
My deaf tones yield more depth for the concerto of his existence
And he is as beautiful as I am dumb
.FIN.

Unemployment: The rebirth of BeautiFoul...

Back up in this bitch like WHOA!...Yep, it's been months...Ya'll probably thought I'd abandoned my little baby blog I'd birthed...Well, you'll be happy to know that I'm not a deadbeat Mama, and I've come back for my child...You see, a funny thing happened on my way to the forum - er...On my way to Corporate America...Corporate America dumped me and set me free...I have tons of time now to do the things that really interest me and this blog is one of them...So, you've been forewarned...The BeautiFoul bitch is back like crack (well, crack never really went anywhere but the rhyme fit so I rolled with it)!....Stay tuned for a bigger, better, faster, stronger, more action-packed and fun-filled blog within the next few days...Nahmean?!

.FIN

Aja's on Hiatus: Back in 5...

Sorry ya'll...Like, for serious sorry...Please believe I've noticed how much of a loafer I've been over the past couple of months (I attribute this to the craziness of that which is my life)...I've also taken a keen note to the fact that I've been lacking material of much substance or regularity, and I have a keen sense on just how bad my typing skills are (if you've been messaging me lately, you catch my drift)...Anyway...I'm figuring out how to skin this cat, so to speak...I hear there's more than one way...And no, I don't mean literally...I haven't lost my mind completely...yet...Back in a flash my ninjas!...

.FIN

*Photo courtesy of Lady Glock*

*Photo edit courtesy of Donna*

Thoughtful Gesture: Random Flowers...

It's safe to say I had a bad day today...Feeling quite worthless and unlovable, wallowing in my own sad sorrow...That was until...I came to my desk and saw these mysterious beauties...


See...SOMEONE gives a damn about Aja...I gave them a nice ghetto vase...

And had an overall, nice day...Off to cook some dinner!...
.FIN

New Tattoo: Om Mani Padme Hum

Here' 'tis...Finally got it...I feel more at peace now strangely...I know shitty camera phone pic sucks, it'll be replaced tomorrow...Until then, here it is...
**That is my ARM, by the way...Gotta love my ambiguos limbs...**

.FIN

Reality: Social Networking does NOT equal real life...

My MySpace status update today states: "Aja says the internet is not real life nor does it define anything within it"...This is my food for thought today as a turn of events happened in my life yesterday that made me reevaluate just how out of control the internet has gotten...People truly catch feelings based upon very superficial, childish and empty things that occur through text behind a screen...This computer and this internet can protect the person who is on the giving end of things, but what of the person on the receiving end? ...Left emotionally distraught with open-ended promises or unanswered anguish only left to guess and build upon their own emotions based on this uncertainty...This creates a cornucopia of false pretenses and conclusions drawn so early they haven't even become a thought yet...Then suddenly things become ugly and people are no longer sworn lifelong friends, and middle America young ladies are killing themselves over the loss of a prospect of love that was never a real prospect at all or being raped by online predators...And broken hearted men and women are aimlessly mulling over that last text message sent by the love of their life and relentlessly trying to decode the encryption within it in order to reach some false sense of closure...And in all of this, there is nothing...And all time and love and ultimately all people...Are wasted...And yet we continue to base this thing we call social networking, the internet, and cellular communication and all the rancidness of its' nature as all that is meant to be taken seriously in this world...The insecure nature of those who dwell behind the security blanket of a screen of communication are seen solely by those individuals who know that things are not always what they seem...A manipulative nature can only be reciprocated by those smart enough to recognize that manipulation is a game that can be easily played by being still and ignoring ignorance...This shit is not real people...Believe that, and you will be much happier...
(Random Rant).FIN

Register to vote damnit...

Here's the deal...Register to vote today if you aren't registered already...Why?...Because if you don't you WILL NOT be able to participate in this historical and monumentally important Presidential Election...I'm going to make it really really easy for you too...You can go to Rock the Vote and register online...I just found out something really great today too that made me smile...DC and Maryland are now allowing ex-Felons to vote in upcoming elections...This is a step in the right direction to giving people with a record more of a chance to regain a normal life and recapture their dignity...I am all for more rights and more chances for these people since the world likes to close doors in their faces regularly...But yeah, go to Rock the Vote and register...Tell all your friends to tell a friend or two...It is, indeed, time for change and our votes DO make a difference...

.FIN

Happy Birthday Deshaun Holton aka Proof aka Dirty Harry aka My Heart...

Something you all may not know about me because I don't speak on it much as it is still a great sadness in my heart...There is not a week that goes by that I do not think about this great man and there is not a week that goes by that I do not shed a tear for him...His name was Deshaun...I always refused to call him by his rap name 'Proof'...I have so many lovely memories of this man and I guess that's part of the heartache too...He was my one and only love and my number one mentor...He taught me how to be a better person and how to fight for what you really want out of life even if it hurts so bad you want to quit...HE taught me how to write...I am more than grateful to him for this lesson alone...HE taught me how to read the dictionary to expand my vocabulary...HE taught me how to challenge my own mental capacity...He taught me what love is and how it hurts...He is the reason I am the woman I am today...The good and the bad of who I am...But mostly good...He is the epitome of love...He is greatly missed by me but I know HE walks by my side all day, every day...I find comfort in the fact that, as he promised, he never left my side...And he never will...Today is the celebration of your born day too DeShaun...And tonight I'm gonna party like we always did...In true Libra fashion...We are so proud to be who we are and we never falter for anyone...HAPPY BIRTHDAY DESHAUN, I LOVE YOU UNTIL THE END OF TIME...

I wear this proudly...

.FIN

Wing, sweet Wing...How I've missed you...

THAT monstrosity of a broken phone was my TMobile Wing I've had for several months broken like that as I was in a bitter battle betwixt myself, my insurance carrier and TMobile...FINALLY I've got a new one...Today is a good day, I can now text at will =)
.FIN

Smorgan aka Adams Morgan

Wow...'Epic' is probably the best way to describe Saturday night in Adams Morgan/Dupont for my cousin James and I...I took a chance by stepping out in the place that most reminds me of 'Perfection' and I'm kind of glad I did...Anyway, Here's some fotos...Keep in mind, we were HELLA drunk so these aren't epically artistic or anything...Just good clean fun...Shout out to Wyck and everyone at the rooftop party!...
Delectable Madame's Organ Food...

This is the culprit that lead to an 'interesting' evening...

Bikes are apparently my 'thing'...This guy was cool...Ironically named Brian...

Yes, it's THAT intense...James loves his beer...

Things start to get fuzzy right about...NOW...

Ok random Aussie guy...We get it already...James, what the eff are you doing?...

Apparently I was unamused, bothered or too drunk for emotional expression...

Hmmm...A familiar look...

Oh wait, nevermind...I got my swag back!...

Wyck...The maker of all epically random fun...

.FIN

Autumn and I...A photographic study, Part 1...

Autumn...Love it...I'm from Michigan where the leaves are plentiful and lovely...I was born in the Autumn...I'm not a very good liar, so...Autumn is for lovers too...I can be honest here since this is my blog...I really wish I still had mine to revel in the glories of Autumn with...*Sigh*...

There is beauty in obscurity...

It begged me to photograph it...I swear ye...

This was a great moment of the past...I hold it close...

Georgetown at dusk...

One last goodbye to the Summer...Silly, sullen, solemn and soaking...
.FIN

My new Tattoos...Coming soon to an Aja near YOU!!...

Mental journeys and soul searching have occurred and I am much more enlightened now...I'm not much of a religious being, but more spiritual than anything - gathering the fundamental theories from various religions that most make sense when applied to my mentality...In my quest to find symbols of inner and outward peace, I was reminded of a Buddhist mantra I've highly regarded since my 9th grade world religion class...Om Mani Padme Hum...The Dalai Lama describes these six syllables as meaning:

"...that in in dependence on the practice of a path which is an indivisible union of method and wisdom, you can transform your impure body, speech and mind into the pure exalted body, speech, and mind of Buddha..."

I interpret this as meaning through wisdom (in all its' capacities) one can truly learn to be at peace with oneself and the world, therefore becoming a more 'perfect' person...What a lovely way to be!

The Six Realms of Existence:

Om - Meditation (Purifies: Pride/Bliss)

Ma - Patience (Purifies: Jealousy/Lust for entertainment)

Ni - Discipline (Purifies: Passion/Desire)

Pad - Wisdom (Purifies: Ignorance/Prejudice)

Me - Generosity (Purifies: Poverty/Possessiveness)

Hum - Diligence (Purifies: Aggression/Hatred)

.FIN

New Subtitle...AND a new piece of poetry...

Man, I've been doing A LOT of over-analyzation lately and this blog and the direction of it has come up in that process...So BeautiFoul™, to me, symbolizes a vast contradiction which is what I, myself, can be at times...Particularly as I heal my broken heart, I've become even more of a personification of this terminology - A sweet girl turned sour, or what have you...At my surface and even in my very core of being I am the nicest, most considerate person you've ever met...But, layered in between that is a rotten, angry, bitter, depressing, inconsiderate, self-centered bitch of a woman...In other words, I'm BeautiFoul™ moreso than I EVER was...And perhaps that's a good thing...Perhaps it will help this blog be more relevant and contain more substance...We shall see in the weeks to come...And so the subtitle goes:

"Looks can be deceiving...DO NOT attempt to feed the animal..."

I looked into the mirror today and saw a mirror image of how rotten I had become
Tainted and tempted to try being more tactile and less tumultuous
I peered at my reflection again and realized
I am at my most beautiful right now
Chewing on bullets and holding my tongue
Hefty and hearty with heartache and heartlessly emotionally inept
Imagining I've some control over my contriving conscious
Smelling of my rancid mentality
And covering the stench with the perfume of my lingering desire for he who is
Perfection...

.FIN

Remember how I said I was a ROCKSTAR????...

"So what, I'm still a rock star, I got my rock moves, and I don't want you tonight"...Pink always manages to make a song to fuel my anger at the MOST appropriate times...

Pink - So What [Official Music Video]
Uploaded by JiiBEY_

Woosah!!...I'm Baaaaaaack!!...

And somehow I've emerged victorious from that tumultuous storm of a breakup I just went through...I'm not gonna lie, that was the toughest thing I've been through in a while, SO unexpected and heartbreaking because I really thought he was different and he really was SO special to me...Anyway, God made me with about ten tons more resilience than the average person...I've got ABSOLUTELY NO animosity towards him, I want him to be all he can be...Even if he couldn't see it with me (which, I must say, I still don't understand even slightly...Nor do I believe the whole "It's not you, It's me" shindig...But meh...It was all good just a week ago...)...So here's what this sad little puppy of a phenomenal woman who is I has been going through over the past four days to get back to being just 'me'...

For a full 48 hours I was unable to work, eat or sleep...Liquor did a body good...'Why' and 'How' were words of prevalence, hence the inability to sleep or eat...

After that, I figured it was a good idea to go into hiding to contemplate the error of my ways...

Then came the pseudo-anger....Spending more time not believing "It's not you, It's me" but also realizing that statement may be true in more ways then I previously thought...'Psssht' is that expression...Don't get me wrong, I was still crying my eyes out...

So now I'm smiling again; which is my favorite thing to do...But it still hurts, no lies here...

Regardless of how much it hurts though...I'm still an interstellar rockstar!!...

.FIN

I promise you this one thing...

I'm gonna get out of this emo junk and post more relevent and exciting material soon - very soon - actually I'm going to stop posting for a couple of days so I can get it together...I'm just an emotional wreck right now...I'll push through...Soon...Damnit...

.FIN

I'm okay...Sort of...

So I was on the bus today and I made up my mind that I didn't need anymore problems...I didn't need anymore heartache...I didn't need anymore...well...Anymore anything negative...And Jimi Hendricks and James Morrison are speaking to my soul right now...And I feel like even though my sky-watching doesn't bring as much happiness, and songs don't sound quite as beautiful...They will...Jimi and James told me so...So I'm slowly watching my mindful musings of music so melodious it could cause a heartache of my mentality...And everything is okay in this moment...This is not to say that he is less beautiful or that he is less perfect to me...He is not less of anything..Except, perhaps, my man...However I am more okay and I am more centered and beautiful in my own right...Without him...Though his brilliance brings consistancy to my incandescence...I am a macrocosm of a mutant woman..And I will somehow mutate into a magnificent manifestation of a magnanimous meandering mentality...Graciously...
What else have I to do?...I've got sooooo much spare time on my hands now that I've taken a leave of absence from one of my jobs and I cant seem to make it an entire day at the other...Yes, I am FUCKED UP in the head...
.FIN

This is nonsensical

*Update...No sleep...I'm trying to get out of my head for long enough to try to try...Something...All I can do is write...More intimate details can be found on my MySpace blog if you care to gander there...I am trying to rehabilitate my SELF through writing...A coma to forget this ever happened would be nice too...*

It's nearly 4 in the morning so...Be forewarned...This is not going to make any sense...No fancy words here...Nothing to see really...Just a heartbroken girl with a dagger in the heart she foolishly wore on her sleeve...Bleeding profusely and with no desire for any type of aid...Broken, battered and bruised...Wishing my protons and neutrons would spontaneously combust...Wishing I could sleep or eat...Wishing there were no words in the world that alluded to negativity or insalubrious mannerisms...An idiot of myself I am...For being here again...In space with no spatial fortitude and my longitude does not match well with his latitudes...And somehow it's not me, but him and yet its me and no one wants to admit it...But I could have been more perfunctorily perfect and yet his perfection could not personify itself enough for me to manipulate it into capitulating to my imperfections...And my eyes well up as I write this and my well has run dry...I've cried so much that I'm ducking my tears...My covert emotions have been revealed and caused me to say things I never wanted him to know I've revelled in the thought of thinking...And see, this makes no sense at all...And yet I'm sensing it doesn't make sense to him either...

.FIN

I call him 'Bliss'...

He is the epiphany my creative mind created in the epilogue of my epic sense of perfection...My stomach writhes when I write about his likeness, a nervousness that unnerves me yet is comfortably encompassing...Bliss blinds me just enough to banish my bereavement of loves lost long ago...I emerge from my covert amorous annotations, overt and naked at his feet...

.FIN

I'd like to thank the Union workers for Labor Day...

This was probably one of the most epically perfect days of my 27 years...
Wish we could've gone here...The Mosaics were aesthetically pleasing to me...

FYI: I can taste the difference between the grapes and I make GIANT sammiches...

"There is a light that shines, special for you aaaand me"

Perfection aka Brian...

This is the very essence of Summer and Labor day (photo by Brian)...
.FIN